I read an article the other day titled “Train them until you like them”- talking about how we must train our children well so that we’re able to take them places and be with them in a way that we can enjoy their company, without fear of constant tantrums, meltdowns, etc. Of course those meltdowns will happen, but I liked the concept of this article and it got me thinking more about my developing thoughts on discipline. Recently I began caring for a friend’s little boy in our home and was surprised at the pushing and hitting that suddenly came from Jude! I felt like a broken record as I told Jude again and again that it’s not ok to push and tried to teach him to say sorry and obey the first time. It felt futile in the beginning as push after push I corrected him, having to ‘help’ him obey after one warning to give a toy back or let go, but I am happy to say it’s finally paying off! Jude is listening well and getting better at obeying the first time- making my whole day easier and more enjoyable. So here’s a list of my conclusions on discipline so far- some from parenting Jude, some from books, some from observing and talking with other parents about what works and what doesn’t.
*Discipline should be motivated by love- we teach, correct and punish out of love, not anger or frustration. We want our children to develop self discipline, so that they can grow up as well adjusted children, teens, and adults, having boundaries to know they are cared about and able to make boundaries for themselves later on in life. They must know they are loved no matter what they do.
*Because we don’t want to discipline out of anger we have to teach them to obey the first time. This also comes in handy when you need your toddler to listen the first time if they are about to run into the street! I also think it’s good, especially as kids understand more, to explain why we ask them not to do or to do something. (This doesn’t apply every time). I’ve run across a few Christian parenting books that rub me the wrong way because of the attitude that children should obey ‘because we said so’ only, and not because there are logical reasons for us to ask them not to hit a friend or stay out past curfew. I don’t think it develops a healthy view of God when we demand authority without respecting our children back, instead I think out of love God gives us boundaries and out of love we give our kids boundaries and help them understand why. Hope that makes sense.
*We are to parent for the long term! It’s easier to raise our voice after 5 times of asking a child not to do something, but it benefits both child and parent in the long run when we are CONSISTENT and follow through with our discipline the first time, every time. Our kids need to know that we mean what we say- not just when disciplining them, but in good things like promises we make to do something with them, etc. It takes a lot of patience to constantly and consistently train a child, but in the long run the child is confident in our love for them, and we are able to enjoy them as they grow in self discipline.
*Choices are powerful. If a child hears the word ‘NO’ all day every day, they will become weary! Instead, save no for things that require a simple no, and come up with alternatives for negative behavior that empowers a child to choose the right thing. This has worked well for my Mum who is a kindergarten teacher with over 20 years experience. Instead of always saying no she will say to a child, ‘kicking Johny is not a choice, but you may go find a ball to kick’ (for example:) and most often the child will understand clearly and choose to stop the bad behavior and find something constructive to do instead. This is a powerful way to develop self motivation as well.
*A family centered home vs a child centered home is a place where children grow up with an understanding that the world does not revolve around them only- that there is a whole family that needs to work together. Later on they will be team players in school, jobs, and their own families. If we constantly give in to meltdowns, cater to our children, and indulge them in everything they want without them ever knowing what it means to need or want something, they will grow up to be selfish. Of course we want to give our kids everything they want and need, but we have to help them distinguish between the 2 and allow them to want for things like a special toy, outing, etc. so that they can develop gratitude. If we never want for something, how can we be thankful for it once we have it? I also believe this helps kids grow up to be generous and conscious of others in need but that’s a whole other topic for another time!
Off to read a new book that came in the mail while the boys nap!
